There's always a reason for silence

A friend of mine told me that I seem different. Different as in, I don't talk much as I use to. She was kinda hurt because she thought I was ignoring her or wasn't interested on what she was talking. To those who know me well, they'll say I'm a chatterbox. You couldn't shut me up even if you try. I'll be going blablabla with my merepekness, highly imaginative imagination and lame jokes in between all day long. But now, I seem quieter than the old me.

Love, it's not that I have lost interest in what you were talking about or anything. I was listening. I was listening well don't worry, it's just for the past month, it's hard to talk. Like talk talk. A lot of people know about it, but only few could relate to it. I love to talk, and laugh, I could talk and laugh all day till there's no tomorrow.

But the problem now is that, if I do that, I'll be in a cough fist afterwards. Disadvantage of an asthmatic patient -.-" Especially when you got it at this age. There are certain things you can't do, like drinking ice water (which i love so much), eating spicy foods, too many dairy, dust, stress, cats, and the list goes on and on and on..

Whenever I have the cough fist, I can't sleep at night. The only way for me to sleep is by sitting. I can't lay down flat. And the chest would be so heavy and it's so hard to breathe at times. I hate it when it happens. There goes my good night sleep.. So sometimes, the best thing for me to do, is just smile, nod and keep quiet and just listen to whatever they are talking about so that I won't get an attack. 

But hey, there are people who are worst so I shouldn't complain right? At least it teaches me to be humble and it reminds me of Him constantly.

So this is my battle, my inner battle.

The Aurora Heroes

Aurora Lads, who touched us all.

Great evil often brings out the best in good men, men like Todd Beamer on Flight 93, Medal of Honor recipient Michael Murphy in Afghanistan and now the Aurora three -- the three young men, each in different parts of theater nine, who gave their lives to protect their girlfriends.

Twenty-five-year-old Jon Blunk was sitting next to his girlfriend, Jansen Young, at the midnight premiere of "The Dark Knight Rises" when the gunman (who shall remain nameless) opened fire in the dark theater. Blunk instinctively pushed his girlfriend to the ground and threw his body on top of hers. Blunk, a security guard, served eight years in the Navy and was in the process of re-enlisting in hopes of becoming a Navy SEAL, family and friends said. He was killed in the gunfire; his girlfriend survived.

Twenty-four-year-old Alex Teves dived on top of his girlfriend, Amanda Lindgren, when the gunfire erupted. Covering her body, he took the bullets so they did not harm her. She survived the massacre; he did not.

Matt McQuinn, 27 years old, threw his body in front of his girlfriend, Samantha Yowler, as the shooting continued. Yowler survived with a gunshot wound to the knee; McQuinn's body absorbed the fatal shots.

These men were three of the 12 innocent people killed early that morning. Their incredible sacrifice leaves us asking: Why? Why would a young man with his entire life ahead of him risk everything for a woman he has no legal, financial or marital obligations to?

As Hanna Rosin so eloquently pointed out in a recent article, calling it chivalry would be a tremendous understatement. By all appearances, these men believed that a man has a responsibility to protect a woman, even to the point of death. They believed that there are things in life worth dying for and the innocent woman sitting next to them was one.

They believed, to put it simply, in a code of honor. They put the lives of the women before their own, an old fashioned notion to be sure, but certainly an honorable one (if you have any doubt, ask the survivors). Their instincts were to protect, not run away.

In an age when traditional manhood has been increasingly relegated to fiction -- capes, masks and green screens -- these three men stand as real-life heroes. Their actions remind us that good triumphs over evil, not just in movies, but also, in reality.

May the rest in peace.

The Aurora Lads who's actions touch everyone.

Aurora heroes: Three who gave their lives

Jon Blunk, Alex Teves and Matt McQuinn were killed in the Aurora shooting, 
as they used their bodies to shield their girlfriends.

Great evil often brings out the best in good men, men like Todd Beamer on Flight 93, Medal of Honor recipient Michael Murphy in Afghanistan and now the Aurora three -- the three young men, each in different parts of theater nine, who gave their lives to protect their girlfriends.

Twenty-five-year-old Jon Blunk was sitting next to his girlfriend, Jansen Young, at the midnight premiere of "The Dark Knight Rises" when the gunman (who shall remain nameless) opened fire in the dark theater. Blunk instinctively pushed his girlfriend to the ground and threw his body on top of hers. Blunk, a security guard, served eight years in the Navy and was in the process of re-enlisting in hopes of becoming a Navy SEAL, family and friends said. He was killed in the gunfire; his girlfriend survived.

Twenty-four-year-old Alex Teves dived on top of his girlfriend, Amanda Lindgren, when the gunfire erupted. Covering her body, he took the bullets so they did not harm her. She survived the massacre; he did not.

Matt McQuinn, 27 years old, threw his body in front of his girlfriend, Samantha Yowler, as the shooting continued. Yowler survived with a gunshot wound to the knee; McQuinn's body absorbed the fatal shots.

These men were three of the 12 innocent people killed early that morning. Their incredible sacrifice leaves us asking: Why? Why would a young man with his entire life ahead of him risk everything for a woman he has no legal, financial or marital obligations to?

As Hanna Rosin so eloquently pointed out in a recent article, calling it chivalry would be a tremendous understatement. By all appearances, these men believed that a man has a responsibility to protect a woman, even to the point of death. They believed that there are things in life worth dying for and the innocent woman sitting next to them was one.

They believed, to put it simply, in a code of honor. They put the lives of the women before their own, an old fashioned notion to be sure, but certainly an honorable one (if you have any doubt, ask the survivors). Their instincts were to protect, not run away.

In an age when traditional manhood has been increasingly relegated to fiction -- capes, masks and green screens -- these three men stand as real-life heroes. Their actions remind us that good triumphs over evil, not just in movies, but also, in reality.

May they rest in peace.

Behind the name

I'm Still Chasing Rainbows. You might wonder why I chose that name. I used that quote for my twitter profile too actually.

Actually, I'm Still Chasing Rainbows simply mean, I'm chasing the unknown. I'm clueless on what I want to do next in the future. But hoping for a bright one. Thus, the word rainbow.

A young lady, taking a few steps on her own, just starting to discover life beyond the bubble her parents has shelter her growing up. No offence but I had a great time growing up in a bubble. I'm actually really thankful that I grew up in one. Growing up in a city, in a daily school, things could turn wrong in so many ways. Friends play a very important role. I am blessed to have such good friends that holds on to the same value that I do. Blessed indeed I am. Alhamdullilah, praise Allah for that.

I don't know why, but I just love the quote. I'm Still Chasing Rainbows. I woke up one morning and *poof* the quote was ringing in my head. I don't know how, I don't know why though.. But I'm in love with it. It can mean so many things, but for me, it's just, a quote to describe where I'm at now, chasing the unknown, still trying to figure out, about life, love, friendship, etc etc.

Change Is Never Easy

Change. For the good, is never an easy task. To hold on to the good values by you stand by so hard upon when everyone around you seems to do the opposite is like cycling through a snow storm on an icy road. It's hard, it's cold, it's slippery, but if you never give up, you'll get there. You just have to hang on. Hang on tight, keep on going and have faith. Because He will always have faith in you.

Anyway, A very Merry Ramadhan I bid to all who are celebrating :)

Grandfather, you are forever missed.

Carpe diem. Seize the day, for we die tomorrow. This is probably one of the most used motifs in our vocabulary today. Many people use this as an excuse to do something they have always wanted. A wise man once quote "I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one" and, as most of us are aware, he was and is not alone. How many times do we kick ourselves for not buying something when it was on sale? Or miss out on a great play or movie that leaves town before we get a chance to see it? We don’t realize what we missed until it has already passed us by.

They say that life comes down to a few great moments. Often the key points of our lives pass by with stealth, leaving us to chase at shadows. We are left to question and evaluate the ebb and flow, the surges and phases of our existence. The times we felt lost. Times of love, despair, and sorrow. Events that made time stand on end. Events that made a minute seem like an hour and an hour seems like a week. There are moments which impact us directly, voyeuristic moments we observe while they are acted out by others, and moments which we only deem as significant years after the fact. Time flows like a river and we cannot hold off its effects for very long as it is constantly moving.

 Have you ever had a moment in your life where you knew nothing will ever be the same again, a moment in your life where you realized, discovered, learned, or became something new? Everyone has one of these moments, for some more unique then others. I knew exactly when my life changing moment was going to be but didn’t know exactly how I would react.  

Life is a made up of a collection of moments. Some people say that one must learn from obstacles that everyone struggles with. Some people say that every challenge helps to achieve strength of character and self-growth. The most significant change in my life was my grandfather’s battle with cancer. Even though it was a very hurtful experience that has drastically affected both me and my family, it helped me know myself better as a person, realize that I can appreciate God’s gift of life and good health and understand what an inspiration my grandfather was to me and how much love he has given me over the years.

Whenever my grandfather was home, everything was special and different. Since he was the one who maintained the family’s serenity, there was nothing to argue about when she was present. For instance, when I was a teenager, my dad always pushed me a step harder and tried to create his idea of a social life for me, which was noticeably slowly placing me in depression moods. My grandfather on the other hand always calmed me down about it, and tried to explain to me the meaning behind fatherhood, and that no matter what he says or does, it’s always for my best and I should cherish him for that. Down through the years and as time evolved, I remembered my grandfather’s words of wisdom and love as I watched my dad’s heart break every time he saw his father in pain.

As I watched my grandfather fight his battle with patience and a big smile, I realized that even in his weakest moments, he was still our source of love and strength. He helped me understand that it’s in life’s toughest times that you are the strongest, and that by little faith, hope and patience, you will overcome it. He made me value family and strong bonds and brought me to appreciate the little moments and believe in miracles. Even though it was difficult at the beginning, I found out that I was capable of doing anything I wanted as long as I persisted in doing it. Ironically, it was my grandfather’s pain that made me a better person today. Needless to say, he was my hero.

Now looking back at my childhood, and remembering how lucky I had him in my life. He inspired me to be who I am today. I called him Dada, it’s Hindi for grandfather, or Tok Dad. He was a merchant from Pakistan who fell in love with a local Taiwanese girl when he visited Malaysia. He has curly locks of brown hair which accentuate his grey eyes. Making it shine like a star in the midnight sky. He was a tall man, towering us at 6 feet. I used to feel so small and protected standing beside him. He was a man of courage and wisdom. Some of my fondest memories with him are on the piano. He was the one who taught me how to play it. One of his favourite quotes were “Music is a language with no barriers”. I can still remember the first song he thought me when I was 5 years old. It’s called ‘A Time for Love’. Till today, I can play that song by heart and whenever I play it, I’ll think of him. He lives in every note; every key brings out a precious memory. We would have late night piano sessions as music and laughter filled the air. From the laughter we had on the piano to the fights we have on who is going to play first. He always knows how to put a smile on my face. He and I have a special bond as he was the person who named me. He chose the name Sara Alyssa because Sara means happiness and Alyssa means Protected by Allah in Arabic. I am the only grandchild that has his dimples and his character, so he lives within me.

As the cancer spread, he grew weaker. He couldn’t control his arms and limbs. He couldn’t play the piano anymore. There are times during his final days where he asked me to play the piano for him. He said it’ll help him as it sooth the pain away. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I played because I knew those were going to be one of my last time, last moments I’ll get to spend with him. He was my strength and I was his soul, I grasped his hand and he never let go whenever I needed him. He always tells me that we must live every moment like it was our last and appreciate every time that we have with the ones we love.

The day he left us, heaven has received another angel, another star was born in the night sky; his life has become a loving memory. As my life goes on, I will treasure the memories I have of him. Till today I still can’t believe that he is gone. He was there for me a lot. He will always hold a place in my heart; a loving treasured spot. He was really one in a million. A cut above the rest. Everyone would agree that he simply were the best. He painted our lives with laughter and wipe away our tears. So I never could say goodbye. I love and miss you with all my heart and soul. I miss your smile and I still shed a tear every once in a while whenever I think of you. Even though things are different now; I still feel that you are still here somehow. I know you will never be far as you will be watching over me. But as long as I have my loving memories with you, I know we will never be too far apart as you’ll always be in my heart.

Rest in peace dear Tok Dad,

Some of my joyous moments with you.

Al-Fatihah, Allahyarham Israel Laldeen.

Theories Of Flipping A Coin

If you don't really know about something, confuse, having a second thought, in making a decision that is, flip a coin. Really. Do it, it helps. Trust me. By flipping a coin, you will know what you want because for a second, when the coin is up in the air, your heart knows. You'll secretly know what you want at that point. You'll hope for it to be heads. Or vice-versa, tails. If the coin says heads and you are happy and contented with it, then, good for you, you know the answer, your happy, but if you feel like you want a re-toss, or for a second there you have doubts about the result of the coin flip, you hope for it to be the other way around; as the french says "Voila !" You know your answer ! You know what you want. So go for it then :)


I could give you all the formulas in the world to prove or calculate the statistics and probability of it, but in the end, it is what YOU want. Not what the math says.

"Remember, the heart knows best."

In the memory of a dear friend, batchmate & fellow renjer, Loo Shu Ern.

Do not stand at my grave and weep 
I am not there. I do not sleep. 
I am a thousand winds that blow. 
I am the diamond glints on snow. 
I am the sunlight on ripened grain. 
I am the gentle autumn rain.  

When you awaken in the morning's hush 
I am the swift uplifting rush 
Of quiet birds in circled flight. 
I am the soft stars that shine at night. 
Do not stand at my grave and cry; 
I am not there. I did not die. 

INTEC & ATU 18 : A Journey To Remember

I woke up today to the sound of silence. I was waiting for Amira's annoying “For the rest of my life” alarm to ring (which she hasn’t change since last year) or Adibah’s voice waking me up and I would reply 5 more minutes, or even 2 more minutes or the sound of Marque making fun of my awkward bm (since I love to use the word tiba, or sangsi, or even sebentar in daily conversation). But instead, I woke up in my room, Alone. The only sound I could hear was the fan. That's all. And then it hit me, there won’t be no more Maher Zain alarm ringing, no more queuing up to use the ironing board, or no more eating cereal, no more 5 more minutes. No more. No more.

When you are used to live with 8 people in a small house, it’s always chaos. Eating breakfast together, staying up late studying for a calculus quiz with the endless shots of caffeine, practising your speech in front of the mirror, and even asking your roomates to proof read your assignments. Chaos. Our room was the screamer as we’ll scream when there’s a flying cockroaches, lizard, hamster, cats (you name it, we’ll scream at it) and our screams people could hear as far from the guard house. Chaos. How I will miss them dearly. How I will miss everyone. How I will miss INTEC.

College has ended. All I have left are memories. Beautiful memories. So I thank all of you, lecturers and friends, for everything. Thank you for the memories. No amount of money could buy the knowledge I’ve learn during my one year stay there. Even if it was only a year, I felt like I knew everyone since forever. We grew up, all of us did. We were kids when we came in, now, graduated, we’re ADULTS. All of you were there doing my highs and lows, holding my hand and hugging me when I was tearing up and exchange laughter and smiles when I was joyful and giddish. Thank you again. Only God the Almighty could repay what you guys have done to me, the advices you guys gave, things you thought me, the experience, it’s priceless and I will cherish all of them. I love all of you because of that.

If I’ve ever hurt any of your feelings, words you couldn’t accept, or actions that might seem hurtful, or how I squeeze 15 words into 3 seconds, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I'm only human, and as humans, we tend to make mistakes. I hope you would forgive me for all my wrongdoings.

I wish all of you the best of luck in whatever you guys are doing. And all of you will always be in my prayers. Lastly, be true to yourself, live life to the fullest and don’t be afraid to make new memories because you will always be in mine. Till we meet again, Au Revior :)

Lots of love, Puts.

"They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, and we are taking that step now. Together."